A week ago, I found myself in a rare situation. I was actually alone! And driving for the better part of 24 hours across the plains of Kansas. It took me about 5 hours of this to let the aloneness sink in, and another couple hours to let the mother/boss/daughter/friend lines blur into oblivion until I was left with just me and myself. It has been so long since I was alone with just myself - it was like a long overdue homecoming with a best friend. Such a breath of fresh air to find myself right there next to me, still strong and thriving, still having my head on straight, still who I know myself to be. I've had times in my life where I looked back to see if I was still there and found myself missing, lost somewhere in someone else's life. But not this time. And not ever again.
I did a lot of singing on that drive, something I haven't had the heart to do in longer than I can remember. But my dad made me a bunch of surprise mix CDs, and I sang my heart out for hours and hours. Broke down dams inside me that I hadn't the courage to let fall before now. When you have to fight for your life and sanity for so long, there are parts of yourself that just go by the wayside until you have the emotional energy to bring them back from cryo-freeze again. Well, I'm happy to say some of those parts are thawing out, and I've got to say I'm loving having my inner soul sister coming back to life again. Missed her.
And now, a week later, sitting on the floor in my living room with my Zana curled up next to me after a long walk in the starry Texas night; Dad on the couch with little Rocky watching American Music Awards with me; my little Squish snug as a bug in a rug in her bed in the next room; my daughter Erin safe back in Wisconsin after being here for a week...I am beyond content with myself and my shadow, knowing they are right in sync and growing more so by the day.
As I wind down and head to my dreamscapes, I'll leave you with a prayer that you can reconnect with yourself and the amazing person God made just you, in and of yourself - soon. And I'll also leave you with my absolute favorite lullabye...
"Buenos noches, from Nacogdoches,
From me and from every star God lit
In the heart of the heavens that hang over Texas.
May your dreams find you in a tangle of fine Spanish angels
Whose halos are bright yellow roses.
Buenos noches." - Rich Mullins
Goodnight, my friends.
