But tonight, I have some alone time, so here I am.
I'm struggling with exactly how to phrase what's in my heart/head right now, but maybe it will untangle itself as I write? We'll give it a shot.
December was a very, very difficult month. Was extremely sick for about three weeks, spent Christmas alone, had the weight of the world on my shoulders at work, missed my grandfather more than I could handle most days. And for me, being that down is a very rare and unwelcome thing. If I'm sick for more than 2 days, I start losing all logical/rational perspective and my abundance mentality just disappears. All I can see are the dark, endless tunnels in every direction with no light in sight. And that is SO not who I am normally. January 3 was my last vacation day before returning to work on the 4th, and I had absolutely nothing left to give anyone, much less my job - but my rational brain knew this, knew I was in a sick-induced negative haze - and yet, I couldn't get out of it. At least not immediately. 17 days of feeling like the leftovers of a Mac truck/roadkill encounter can beat the best of us. Took me another week to starting getting back to my old self, and gollygeewillikers (one of my boss's favorite phrases), I'm really glad to have me back!
Tonight I was driving home...with the sunroof down...the incredible Texas night sky & stars above me...the 60-degree wind blowing in the windows...and music blaring as loud as I could handle it...singing at the top of my lungs...
My abundance mentality self came roaring back to life in all its glory. I finally was able to get my perspective back and remember...
I get to get up and go do a job I love every day - a job that uses just about every part of what God put in me. My baby girl is safe and healthy and turned one year old on Saturday. And on top of that little miracle, we didn't have to celebrate her birthday alone like we did Christmas. My dad, sister, niece and nephew were here, and we partied right! It was Poppy's first real experience with sugar, and she revelled in it in true Stauss fashion. We then headed to Medieval Times that night where my sister's lifelong (and unfulfilled dream) of catching a flower thrown by one of the knights actually came true when my niece caught one instead. None of us will ever forget how her face glowed for the rest of the evening...well, both their faces glowed for the rest of the evening - my sister's and my niece's. Priceless.
Erin bought her first car, started night classes and has decided she's going to med school for anesthesiology.
I finished 2011 with my CLU and got invited to an exclusive women's leadership conference in February.
Squish learned how to say and sign "more" - and how to flush the toilet (can't wait to see what my water bill's going to be this month!)
Three wonderful women I know are fighting the fight of their life - trying to keep their children safe from those children's fathers. Doesn't sound very positive, does it? And yet, I celebrate that they want to fight and keep fighting no matter what it costs them. I've been there - I've had absolutely nothing left physically, emotionally, financially, mentally. No hope left. But that's what good moms do - they keep fighting anyway. When I think of these three women, I am reminded of a song I've been listening to a lot lately:
"This is my prayer in the desert,
When all that's within me feels dry.
This is my prayer in my hunger and need -
My God is a God who provides.
This is my prayer in the battle,
WHEN TRIUMPH IS STILL ON ITS WAY...
All of my life, in every season,
You are still God
And I have a reason to sing."
______________________________
A story for you...
Those of you who know me well know that I cannot handle anything related to abandoned or hurt dogs - just undoes me. Well, when I first started driving to work here every day, I began noticing there were a lot of stray dogs and cats in the neighborhoods I had to drive through. My coping mechanism of hiding my head in the sand to avoid the pain of seeing all these dogs I couldn't help kicked in, and for weeks I drove with my eyes straight ahead so I wouldn't see any of it.
Then one day it dawned on me that I never saw any of these dogs in the road hurt, killed etc. - ever. That really surprised me, since this roadway is a major one. So I cautiously started observing more closely what was actually happening with these animals. And I began to notice they were usually in groups every morning...and these groups were in roughly the same places every time. I also started noticing these animals were not mangy or starving or anything of the kind - the large marjority of them were healthy and appeared cared for.
After more days of observing, I noticed they were grouped each morning around piles of something...cats with cats (and an occasional racoon), dogs with dogs. So I drove by really slow one day and realized they were gathered around piles of food on the sidewalks or parking lots! Where the heck did that come from? Never could figure out how miles of road had all these piles of dog and cat food laid out every morning.
Then one morning I found my answer. I saw a big black SUV distributing food up and down the road to each group of animals. I wouldn't have even noticed except that I saw a cat on the side of the road sit completely still watching this oncoming SUV without fear or wariness. It struck me as a very odd thing for a cat to do, so I kept watching as I drove by. The driver door opened and a hand poured cat food on the ground in front of the cat. And then did it again and again and again for miles until all the groups were fed.
I was so profoundly touched by this act of anonymous kindness I was speechless the rest of the way to the office.
It was a welcome reminder to me that no matter how bad a situation feels or looks, there is always something to be grateful for, there is always something you can control (even if it is only your own attitude about the situation), and when you've about given up on the world, on people, on yourself...someone will surprise you in a good way...IF you're willing to open your eyes/ears/heart and receive it.
Now every morning when I see those little feasts going on, I smile and thank whoever that person is for being an abundance mentality thinker and doing what they can do in their small part of the world to let the sunshine in. If they ever stop feeding the wildlife, maybe I'll take their place. :-)
"After a bad storm had washed thousands of starfish onto the beach, a passerby saw a lone man tossing starfish back into the ocean, one at a time. The passerby asked the man why he even bothered trying to make a difference on this beach, as there were far too many starfish to even dream of saving them all. The man picked up another starfish, tossed it in the ocean and calmly said to the passerby, 'I made a difference to that one.'"
I want others to be better off because I woke up this morning, and every morning. I want to make a difference to the starfish in my circle of influence, on the beach of my life. But I can't when I lose sight of who I am and of the good in the world at every turn.
Here's to seeking out the light in the dark, the silver in the storm clouds, the rainbow in the rain, the warmth beneath the cold, hope beneath the despair, courage behind the fear, joy behind the tears. Never, never, never give up...
