Courage

This week has been a tough one. I have no idea if my thoughts will make any sense tonight - very emotional, draining week, but I'll do my best.

One of my top three values is courage, defined as "actively pursuing what is more important than my fear."  Living that value is what has gotten me to this place of freedom, abundance, peace, rest. I had to fight for my freedom and that of my baby girl with everything I have, day in and day out for 13 months, and many times I thought for sure we would not live through it, truly.  But we did, against huge odds.

Yesterday, I dropped her off at daycare for the first time here in our new life.  Seeing her precious little face smiling at me as I left just about broke my heart. Sounds weird, I know - she's smiling! Why would that break your heart? It just hit me like a ton of bricks that I'm all she has. That she trusts me without reservation. That there's no one else here for her but me. I am what keeps her smiling, content and at peace - knowing her momma will always come back for her,  knowing her momma loves her no matter what. But yesterday I suddenly felt so isolated and fragile in our new world here where we know so few people and aren't well connected yet. What if something happened to me and I couldn't come get her? Who would be there for her? The answer that came screaming back at me in my head was "no one." At least not immediately.

Now trust me, in my line of work I know better than to leave the most precious person to me on the planet unprotected, so I have all the necessary insurances, legal documents, etc. in place to provide for her long-term. But what broke my heart was the thought of her being without me in the short-term. Of her waiting for me to walk through that door and me not ever walking through it again.

I promised my little Poppy Anne before she was even born that I would fight for her, that I would be here for her and teach her how to be the best Poppy Anne she can be.  I am so committed to that, I can't even put it into words. I am as committed to her as her namesake, my grandpa Poppy, was to me. He made sure that even after I was given up for adoption as a newborn, that I was brought back into the family and raised as his granddaughter.  He made sure I knew who I was - I was his #1, and that was a non-negotiable fact I could take to the bank every single day of my life until he died last year. That is part of the immense legacy I have to give my daughter.

I know we'll make friends here and eventually neither of us will be alone, but I'm still doing everything I can to make sure I stay around for her for a really long time.  A friend of mine was recently away from her kids for about a week, and when she was reunited with them, she wrote me a note that read, "My heart has returned to me."

That's how I feel every time I see Poppy's little smile at the start or end of my day.  I know without any doubt that moving here and having to face loneliness, isolation, the forming of a whole new life and network was the absolute right thing to do for her and for me. I had to face down my fear and take some huge steps toward chasing our amazing future, and they are already so worth it. But every courageous step has a price as well as a reward. You have to be willing to pay one in order to earn the other.

One of my favorite quotes was said by a crazy Aussie who uprooted his family for a year and moved them to Green Bay, WI to follow the Packers for a season. When asked why he did such a thing, he replied, "There comes a point where you have to stop living the life you've fallen into and live the life you want." And sometimes it takes moving hell and high water to change the life you've fallen into before you can move into the life you want.  It is so worth it.

Today I don't feel very courageous or strong - feel mostly like a soggy, puffy rag doll to be honest. But I'm comforted by the thought that "courage does not always roar- sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.'"  As I fall asleep, that will be my mantra tonight..."I will try again tomorrow."

Sleep

This might sound like a somewhat strange concept, but have you ever felt you "earned your rest?"  That you brought all you have to give to the field, played your hardest, had positive impact on the lives around you...that you spent the day well, investing in what matters.  And as you hit the sack at the end of that long day, there's a deep sense of satisfaction in a job well done. You have mattered to the world today, no matter how big or small your corner of the world may be. You made a dent in it, and a good one at that.

I haven't felt that in quite awhile, and I have to say, now that I'm finally back to that place again, boy does it feel good.

Happy dreams!

Focus

A few months ago, I attended a development session around maximizing our own brain power. A PhD on brain development was the main speaker, and what she was sharing fascinated me. She shared new research findings that show our brains MUST have down time, interruption from the constant bombardment of input we experience in a day. She discussed a concept called the "Twitter Curve" - basically in the past 20 years or so, from the advent of pagers to cell phones to email to Facebook to LinkedIn to Twitter, we have arrived at a place where during waking ours we are literally bombarded with input with almost 0 seconds of brain rest in between. 

She then went on to describe what brain rest can look like - reading, creating artwork, gardening, exercise, meditation, listening to music, driving in the car in silence, etc.  These purposeful times of being completely present without having to make decisions or judgments about anything allow our brains to rest, and that rest allows our brains to form new patterns of thought, new behaviours, helps us learn new things and absorb/internalize information we've taken in recently.

The biggest thing I took away from this discussion? That I need to give myself permission more often to just be at rest in my own head, and that I need to create periods of brain rest for Poppy Anne as well, quiet time for her to focus.  She may focus on examining and chewing the tail of her Zizzer-zazzer-zuzz, or she may see how many toes she can get in her mouth at once, or maybe she just wants to watch the light from the mobile in the window dance on the wall.  But I am convinced that one of the best things I can do for her as her mom is teach her how to be quiet within herself, how to be okay with silence and the lack of distraction, how to let her brain naturally process all that she is absorbing during her day.

In applying that concept to my work, I've been thinking a lot about the phrase, "Keep the main thing the main thing."  We are constantly being bombarded with the latest and greatest new "have to" on so many levels, and many of those are attractive, new shiny objects that seem fun to chase.  But I'm really starting to focus hard on keeping the main things the main things - with my daughter, with myself, with my team at work.  And I have a feeling that when those priorities stay fairly straight, when we are focusing on the main things and not getting sidetracked by all the distractions coming at us, then the other things that feel like main things will most likely take care of themselves in time.  At least that is my current theory, and if it plays out, then in 12 months I should look like a size 2 super model, our office will be perfect, and my baby girl will be learning 3rd grade material at 18 months. Ah...I forgot that key ingredient called patience.  Well, I need to hurry up and get some, eh?

Signing off now - an absolutely fantastic first day at work. I love what I do!!

The beginning of a new book...

I am sitting here on the eve before the first day of my new job, still pretty numb. To be here, in this place, at this particular time, in this situation is the culmination of a very long and painful journey, but it's also the first step into an amazing new story for not just me, but also for my little girl.

Still hasn't hit me yet that this is truly my life, that I have the privilege and honor of being this baby girl's momma, that I have the privilege of being a Chief Development Officer in one of the most admired companies in the world, that I have the amazing opportunity to be doing all that back home in Texas.
Wow. Very surreal. I still break out in a grin at all the things I'm seeing, finding, living every day that I never thought I'd get the chance to live with again.  Man I love this state!

Today I was wandering in a little local store and saw an iteration on one of my favorite quotes:
"Life is not about getting out of the storms. It's about learning to dance in the rain." (Vivian Greene)

Thus the moniker "Rain Girl" for my blog. It's been a wonderful journey, learning to dance in the rain of the past.  And as I examine those storms and see what growth, strength, wisdom and grace they've brought me, I look into the face of the future and gratefully, joyfully anticipate more rain (and sunshine) in which to dance, in which to celebrate who I am and who I am becoming.

"I'm thirsty anyway, so bring on the rain!"