Courage

This week has been a tough one. I have no idea if my thoughts will make any sense tonight - very emotional, draining week, but I'll do my best.

One of my top three values is courage, defined as "actively pursuing what is more important than my fear."  Living that value is what has gotten me to this place of freedom, abundance, peace, rest. I had to fight for my freedom and that of my baby girl with everything I have, day in and day out for 13 months, and many times I thought for sure we would not live through it, truly.  But we did, against huge odds.

Yesterday, I dropped her off at daycare for the first time here in our new life.  Seeing her precious little face smiling at me as I left just about broke my heart. Sounds weird, I know - she's smiling! Why would that break your heart? It just hit me like a ton of bricks that I'm all she has. That she trusts me without reservation. That there's no one else here for her but me. I am what keeps her smiling, content and at peace - knowing her momma will always come back for her,  knowing her momma loves her no matter what. But yesterday I suddenly felt so isolated and fragile in our new world here where we know so few people and aren't well connected yet. What if something happened to me and I couldn't come get her? Who would be there for her? The answer that came screaming back at me in my head was "no one." At least not immediately.

Now trust me, in my line of work I know better than to leave the most precious person to me on the planet unprotected, so I have all the necessary insurances, legal documents, etc. in place to provide for her long-term. But what broke my heart was the thought of her being without me in the short-term. Of her waiting for me to walk through that door and me not ever walking through it again.

I promised my little Poppy Anne before she was even born that I would fight for her, that I would be here for her and teach her how to be the best Poppy Anne she can be.  I am so committed to that, I can't even put it into words. I am as committed to her as her namesake, my grandpa Poppy, was to me. He made sure that even after I was given up for adoption as a newborn, that I was brought back into the family and raised as his granddaughter.  He made sure I knew who I was - I was his #1, and that was a non-negotiable fact I could take to the bank every single day of my life until he died last year. That is part of the immense legacy I have to give my daughter.

I know we'll make friends here and eventually neither of us will be alone, but I'm still doing everything I can to make sure I stay around for her for a really long time.  A friend of mine was recently away from her kids for about a week, and when she was reunited with them, she wrote me a note that read, "My heart has returned to me."

That's how I feel every time I see Poppy's little smile at the start or end of my day.  I know without any doubt that moving here and having to face loneliness, isolation, the forming of a whole new life and network was the absolute right thing to do for her and for me. I had to face down my fear and take some huge steps toward chasing our amazing future, and they are already so worth it. But every courageous step has a price as well as a reward. You have to be willing to pay one in order to earn the other.

One of my favorite quotes was said by a crazy Aussie who uprooted his family for a year and moved them to Green Bay, WI to follow the Packers for a season. When asked why he did such a thing, he replied, "There comes a point where you have to stop living the life you've fallen into and live the life you want." And sometimes it takes moving hell and high water to change the life you've fallen into before you can move into the life you want.  It is so worth it.

Today I don't feel very courageous or strong - feel mostly like a soggy, puffy rag doll to be honest. But I'm comforted by the thought that "courage does not always roar- sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.'"  As I fall asleep, that will be my mantra tonight..."I will try again tomorrow."