Baby Steps

Today, my little Squish learned to crawl!! Oh wow, is it cool to see her try and figure out how to move all four appendages at once. She's getting the hang of it pretty fast. And then later in the day, she was doing the two-fisted toy thing and accidentally banged them together. You should have seen the intense "hmmm, what was that?" look on her face. So she did it again - banged 'em together again and looked up to find me with a triumphant "I figured it out, Mom!" look on her face. Then that smart little booger picked up a different toy and banged that one with the first toy - to see her joy of learning and exploring literally brought me to tears.

This kid loves to examine the tiny workings of things, the little details of how things work. She started with her own hands a few months ago - she'd twist them and wiggle them in all kinds of directions. Next she added toys to that mix, flinging them and throwing them all over the place as she figured out how her wrists functioned. For the last week or so, she's been carefully examining every inch of the living room rug, picking up the tiniest dust bunny or pull in the fabric...she doesn't eat them, just closely studies the thing and then puts it back where it was.

I remember when I was pregnant, someone told me how concerned they were that I was going to try and make Poppy Anne a copy of myself, that I was going to objectify her and make her my life, live vicariously through her, draw all my love from her. I thought at the time how crazy that sounded, and now that I have this amazing little person in my life, that person's sentiment is downright bizarre in my opinion. Why in the world would I try to change anything about this perfect little gift of God? Why in the world would I try to do anything other than help her become all she is capable of, all that is in her heart to be and do? Why would I want to copy screwed up and damaged ol' me when she's got such a beautiful canvas of her own started?

Watching her become more and more of herself is just the coolest thing ever. No words quite describe it adequately. A friend recently posted a Facebook note where he asked his daugther if she liked hot chocolate. She responded, "No, I like warm chocolate." I am still laughing over that one...because each little person is just that - their own person, and what a gift to be given the responsibility of helping them grow up. Scares the crap out of me some days, to be honest. But we take it one day at a time - thank goodness!

When I look at my  little extrovert, the quote, "You are so much sunshine to the square inch" comes to mind - man is she ever. Everywhere we go she just draws people to her with that amazing grin.  I even have people at Walmart who know us now and always make a point to stop and say hi to Poppy so they can get a smile. The number of comments about how that little smile has helped get people through their day...wow...total strangers, numerous lives touched by my little 8-month old's happy spirit and love of people. Doesn't matter what age, gender, color - she loves everybody. If she inherited anything from my grandpa Poppy, that would be what I would have hoped she'd get from him...the ability to just love on and enjoy people for who they are.

She teaches me every day...I try to be a good student.

Congruence

Definition: the quality or state of agreeing or corresponding

In the past 15 years or so of my life, I've learned a lot about this concept of congruence. Through my own experiences and through watching the journeys of those around me, I've been made very aware of the deep human need to live in congruence with oneself. To find and operate in that space where brain, talents, heart and soul align and every day you wake up feeling everything inside you rejoicing at being free to be what you were born to be.

We are such a performance-based culture that even the word "be" brings to mind the career or job we've chosen or fallen into, but I'm talking about simply the state of being what we were created to be and pursuing the best possible version of that.

I've watched myself and so many others try to force themselves to "be" things like outgoing, strategic, optimistic, grown up, corporate, etc. Why? I think there are many reasons out there, but one I've seen repeatedly is that we think we are "supposed" to be something someone else wants us or needs us to be. Some people spend their whole lives trying to live up to what other people think life should mean instead of figuring out who they themselves are and living up to that.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." Marianne Williamson

A dear friend framed this for me as a gift about three years ago, and it sits on my desk to remind me every day that the best thing I can do for God, for the world around me, for myself, for my daughters, is to continue discovering who God made me and then to do everything in my power to live in congruence with that. And by doing that, I give others permission to do the same.

This is the biggest reason I uprooted my life and took the risk of moving here. Not for a job, but for a purpose. My purpose. To make manifest the glory of God within me. To give Poppy Anne and Erin permission to shine their own light as brightly and purely as they possibly can - without shame or apology. To give my team the same permission and encouragement. And to keep having the courage every day to choose brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous, when it would be so much easier to just settle for safe mediocrity.

Here's to playing small no longer...

What we carry on

This weekend was the first year anniversary of my grandpa Poppy's death. I made sure my Nana was here to spend time with us during these rough days so that she wouldn't be at home without family. I thought it would do her good to be around little Poppy Anne, and boy has it. I cannot EVER remember Nana sitting on the floor for any reason whatsoever, but this last week I've repeatedly found her on the floor with Poppy Anne and all the toys, laughing and goofing off in the most beautiful way.  Nana was the first person Poppy Anne "talked" to...when she was four weeks old. Nana seemed to speak her language then, and it sure hasn't changed - little Squish lights all up when Nana is around.

I took Nana with me to pick Poppy up from daycare last week, and we made sure Nana was the first person she saw, not me. Boy that little toothless grin could have out-shone the sun. I just stayed at the door and enjoyed the moment. 

Something unexpected has happened during these last few days with Nana, and actually I think it started when I went up to see her in February.  I've always been closest to my grandpa Poppy and have been very conscious of what he imparted to me through is words, actions, kindness, love. But this year I've really started to see what Nana has imparted to me as well.  She is one of the most resilient women I've ever known. She faces life with a pragmatic realism that helps her keep her steady pace through the ups and downs. I've seen her cry plenty, but I've never seen her fall apart. She is wise, smart and one of the youngest grown-ups I have had the honor of loving.

I've asked her a lot about her life this trip, and it never ceases to amaze me how adventurous she was and still is.  She moved to Texas on a whim at 18. Moved to California on another whim at 20-ish. Met my grandpa Poppy on a blind date and married him 2 months later. July would have been their 63rd wedding anniversary. Wow.

I guess it's just been a time of wider reflection for me...looking at the legacy both of my grandparents have handed down to me. I see where my resilience comes from, my will to survive. I see where my faith in people comes from, even when they have given me reason after reason to stop hoping for the best.  I see where my faith in God comes from - "though He slay me, yet will I trust Him." I see the seeds of my work ethic, love of adventure and travel and so many other things planted over the past 38 years by these two wonderful, amazing people. I am so blessed. I pray I can pass all that and more onto my two beautiful kids as well.

I am reminded of a Rich Mullins song...
"I'll carry the songs I learned when we were kids. I'll carry the scars of generations gone by. I'll pray for you always, and I promise you this - I'll carry on, I'll carry on."

On Being Texan

Tomorrow is one month to the day since Poppy and I arrived in the great republic of Texas, and while I still wake up in the middle of the night wondering where the heck I am at times, there are more times when I just can't stop grinning at how wonderful it is to be a Texan again.

So, I thought I'd share some of those things I see in a day that bring my smile on:

• We are NOT the South - that's those other places like Mississippi, North Carolina, Louisiana - we are Texas - a very different thing and don't you forget it.
• Fresh-brewed sweet tea is an option at just about every restaurant - I haven't been in one yet that didn't serve it.
• Dr. Pepper is also an option in just about every restaurant.
• Can anyone say Blue Bell ice cream sandwiches! OMG!
• Billboards that proudly compare the size of the DFW airport to the entire island of Manhattan - you guess which is bigger.
• An NFL stadium like no other on the planet - we do everything bigger in Texas.
• The way we take our pick-up trucks so seriously.
• We say "yes, ma'am" and call complete strangers hon and darlin'.
• While we complain about the heat, we are proud of our ability to survive in it - kind of one of those "I can talk trash about my state but don't you be talkin' no trash about my state" things.
• Steak and Mexican food are absolutely amazing here - we love us some cow!
• "Just around the corner" can mean anything from 2 blocks to 50 miles - all depends on how you look at it.
• We can sing things like "I want to check you for ticks" and sound romantic doing it. Go figure.
• When I say, "I'm from Harlingen," people actually know where that is.
• Our state fair is the biggest in the country - love that.
• There's no state income tax - love that more.
• We don't do mullets in Texas - thank goodness.
• Everywhere you go, people are wearing or displaying somewhere on themselves or the vehicles our in-your-face slogan - "Don't Mess With Texas."
• It's the only state I've seen that has hundreds if not thousands of Texas-shaped swimming pools across the state.
• It's the only state I've seen potato chips made in the shape of.
• The Luby's cafeteria menu tastes the same as it has since I was three years old. And Poppy Anne is already falling in love with the same dishes I grew up loving.
• There's a lot more I'm sure, but these were top of mind for me this week because I realized these are all things that help define "home."  It's a great feeling, especially on the rough days.