Fighting for our kids...

Some of you may know or guess at parts of my story from reading various blog entries over the past 6 months. I thought for a time that my situation was a far-fetched, rare thing, but I have since discovered that it is absolutely not. It is sickeningly common. Besids me, I personally know three more women fighting to protect their kids from physically, sexually, or emotionally/mentally abusive fathers.

In the past few months, I've been repeatedly asked to start sharing how I fought for my daughter, what I tactically did to survive and win. I've talked with Erin about it, and she and I are both in agreement that it's time for me to do that. Not to throw dirt on her and Poppy's father, but to possibly give hope and tangible steps to others who may be going through the same or similar things.

So here goes - if you know of anyone in your world who this might help in some way, please don't hesitate to share it with them.

How to Fight for Your Children
(assuming courts, legal processes, unwilling other parties, etc. are involved):

 

1. Realize you are in a battle far bigger than what you can see and touch here in plain sight. Innocence is one of the most precious, invaluable gifts, and it's being threatened in our children. Don't let your guard down, don't believe you're crazy...no matter what legal authority, friend, family member or colleague tells you otherwise.

 

2. You know your child better than any human on the planet ever will - and she needs you to protect her and believe / believe in her. Her self-esteem, innocence, sanity and so much more is at stake here. You are her second line of defense.

 

3. Your and her first line of defense is God. He cares about her FAR MORE than you do or ever possibly could. And no matter what happens, no matter what is done to her or to you, He is there to carry you both through it - if you're willing to let Him without getting bitter over the fact of the situation itself.

 

4. It's okay to be afraid - we are human. One of my favorite quotes is, "Courage is not the absence of fear. It's about knowing and doing what is more important than your fear." Have courage - keep putting one foot in front of the other and doing everything you know to do, day in and day out.

 

5. Have a plan and stick to it. Know absolutely in your own mind what you want the outcome of this situation to be - is it supervised visitation only until she's a teenager and then she gets to decide? Whatever the outcome you want is, get it fixed in your sights and then stick to that plan and don't back down. Make sure it is clear to your attorney and that your attorney keeps that goal as the focal point of any strategy he or she takes. Don't settle for anything less than the best interest of your child. (Something that was pivotal for me was understanding the root motivations driving her father's actions. Money and control. If you can understand those motivations and play to them or call his bluff, it can be very helpful.)

 

6. Don't bash her father. Most courts look very badly on that kind of behavior. State the facts with as little emotion as possible whenever you're in the presence of court officials, guardians, etc. Stick to those facts. The typical child services position is that it's in the child's best interest to have her father in her life - and in my experience, they can't see past that one tenant, often to the detriment of the child in question. So figure out how can you work within those parameters so that you are being a team player but still protecting your daugther? My tactic was to fight for supervised visitation so that if she was forced to be in his presence, she would at least be physically safe.

 

7. Stand up for your rights as her mother - those rights are powerful and are equal to the rights of her father. Stand up for your right to agree to or disagree to the choice of supervisor, psychiatrist, psychologist, etc. 

 

8. Have your emotional breakdowns behind closed doors, ONLY with people you trust with your life. Everything you do and say can be used against you by her father, his attorney, the guardian, the courts, etc., so always keep that in mind. This was one of the best things my attorney did for me - told me how I should act, how I should dress, what attitude I should show or keep to myself to ensure I didn't turn the guardians or court officials against me. Invaluable help and advice. It's already a massive struggle to get these people to focus on the well-being of your child - turning them against you personally can only make that struggle even worse.

 

9. Create a place of safety, joy and rest for your child in your home and in your presence. Be her safe place and do it very proactively. She may need different ways of you showing it than she did before, higher levels of understanding and patience, more Mommy time. Even if you can't control the situation overall, you can control that. 

 

10.  And when you have done all you can do to stand firm...then stand. (Bible verse) Don't worry yourself sick about the things you cannot control. Keep to your plan, keep stating the truth, keeping taking every single action you can take to protect her. But then rest before doing the next thing.

 

11. Take time to recharge yourself. The best Mom you can be for her is a strong, confident one. You will spend every ounce of everything in you in this fight, day after day. You will find yourself so exhausted in every particle of your being some days that the thought of giving up and ending the madness will sound like sweet relief.  But don't you dare. You can't give up on your kid - can't face her one day and admit you didn't fight for her in every possible way. So find ways to give back to yourself so that you can keep on going, keep on fighting. I got massages, took a lot of hot showers, ate out at relaxing places, read books, listened to a lot of music while doing relaxation breathing. Find a way to not give up out of sheer and utter exhaustion.

 

12. Pack a get away bag with clothes, money, legal papers, all your documentation and court records, etc. just in case. I know - sounds paranoid, huh? Doesn't sound paranoid to those who've had it come in handy.

 

13. And do a ton of praying. Get every person you know who believes in the power of prayer to start praying and to keep praying.

 

14. And keep telling your daughter she is precious to you. Keep telling her she is the most important person to you on the planet, but remind her that God loves her more than even Mommy does.

 

And lastly, in the words of Winston Churchill, standing in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds..."Never, never, never give up."

Love Language

From the minute Poppy Anne was born, she was smiling. Literally. Just fascinated with the world around her. From even her first days on the planet, she just exuded joy and an adventurous spirit, smiling at everything and everyone, fascinated by just about anything. It was almost like she feels it her job to light up anyone's face she passes wherever we go. Very rarely cries or gets upset. Super laid back kid.

So four weeks ago when some alien invasion replaced my sweet happy child with a screaming rage-monster, I was really thrown for a loop. At first I thought these temper tantrums were just "normal" - she'd slap me across the face with all her strength, scream at me if I told her no, etc. But then a couple weeks into this rage stage, she did this for almost 3 hours - hitting me, kicking me, slapping me, screaming at me. And then the next night she did it for another 90 minutes or so. I was just floored.

A few more days of intermittent episodes like this and I was at my wits end. I had no idea what to do or how to help her, but I knew something was not normal, that I was missing some critical fact or need in my child.  So I got on the phone with my sister and started telling her all that had been happening. She's got two kids and has been through a lot with them, and on top of that, she's just a wise, intuitive person with great instincts.  As we talked, she said something that absolutely blew me away in its simplicity. She said, "It sounds like Poppy's love language is quality time."

I cannot express the relief and excitement I felt as that truth rang an enormous bell in my heart and head! My love language is NOT quality time, so I was giving her all the words of affirmation and all the physical touch I could load her up with, but I was not speaking her love language.

Up until about four weeks ago, every night we came home from school and work, I would devote all my time to just her until she went to bed. But I read some child raising book that said not to do that - that you should integrate your kid into the evening schedule and not give them any special treatment, etc. So I'd been trying to abide by that at night. No wonder she started throwing fits - what I was telling the most precious person in my life was that Mommy didn't love her because I wasn't giving her quality Mommy & Poppy time.

Needless to say, the very next night I went back to our old way of doing things, and guess what - it's been a week and not a single tantrum, lots of sleeping thru the night going on these days, and a ton more smiling and exploring her world again with that sweet open and loving attitude.

It is just incredible to see these little people grow into themselves - and what an honor to help them and affirm them as they do.