In the past few months, I've been repeatedly asked to start sharing how I fought for my daughter, what I tactically did to survive and win. I've talked with Erin about it, and she and I are both in agreement that it's time for me to do that. Not to throw dirt on her and Poppy's father, but to possibly give hope and tangible steps to others who may be going through the same or similar things.
So here goes - if you know of anyone in your world who this might help in some way, please don't hesitate to share it with them.
How to Fight for Your Children
(assuming courts, legal processes, unwilling other parties, etc. are involved):
1. Realize you are in a battle far bigger than what you can see and touch here in plain sight. Innocence is one of the most precious, invaluable gifts, and it's being threatened in our children. Don't let your guard down, don't believe you're crazy...no matter what legal authority, friend, family member or colleague tells you otherwise.
2. You know your child better than any human on the planet ever will - and she needs you to protect her and believe / believe in her. Her self-esteem, innocence, sanity and so much more is at stake here. You are her second line of defense.
3. Your and her first line of defense is God. He cares about her FAR MORE than you do or ever possibly could. And no matter what happens, no matter what is done to her or to you, He is there to carry you both through it - if you're willing to let Him without getting bitter over the fact of the situation itself.
4. It's okay to be afraid - we are human. One of my favorite quotes is, "Courage is not the absence of fear. It's about knowing and doing what is more important than your fear." Have courage - keep putting one foot in front of the other and doing everything you know to do, day in and day out.
5. Have a plan and stick to it. Know absolutely in your own mind what you want the outcome of this situation to be - is it supervised visitation only until she's a teenager and then she gets to decide? Whatever the outcome you want is, get it fixed in your sights and then stick to that plan and don't back down. Make sure it is clear to your attorney and that your attorney keeps that goal as the focal point of any strategy he or she takes. Don't settle for anything less than the best interest of your child. (Something that was pivotal for me was understanding the root motivations driving her father's actions. Money and control. If you can understand those motivations and play to them or call his bluff, it can be very helpful.)
6. Don't bash her father. Most courts look very badly on that kind of behavior. State the facts with as little emotion as possible whenever you're in the presence of court officials, guardians, etc. Stick to those facts. The typical child services position is that it's in the child's best interest to have her father in her life - and in my experience, they can't see past that one tenant, often to the detriment of the child in question. So figure out how can you work within those parameters so that you are being a team player but still protecting your daugther? My tactic was to fight for supervised visitation so that if she was forced to be in his presence, she would at least be physically safe.
7. Stand up for your rights as her mother - those rights are powerful and are equal to the rights of her father. Stand up for your right to agree to or disagree to the choice of supervisor, psychiatrist, psychologist, etc.
8. Have your emotional breakdowns behind closed doors, ONLY with people you trust with your life. Everything you do and say can be used against you by her father, his attorney, the guardian, the courts, etc., so always keep that in mind. This was one of the best things my attorney did for me - told me how I should act, how I should dress, what attitude I should show or keep to myself to ensure I didn't turn the guardians or court officials against me. Invaluable help and advice. It's already a massive struggle to get these people to focus on the well-being of your child - turning them against you personally can only make that struggle even worse.
9. Create a place of safety, joy and rest for your child in your home and in your presence. Be her safe place and do it very proactively. She may need different ways of you showing it than she did before, higher levels of understanding and patience, more Mommy time. Even if you can't control the situation overall, you can control that.
10. And when you have done all you can do to stand firm...then stand. (Bible verse) Don't worry yourself sick about the things you cannot control. Keep to your plan, keep stating the truth, keeping taking every single action you can take to protect her. But then rest before doing the next thing.
11. Take time to recharge yourself. The best Mom you can be for her is a strong, confident one. You will spend every ounce of everything in you in this fight, day after day. You will find yourself so exhausted in every particle of your being some days that the thought of giving up and ending the madness will sound like sweet relief. But don't you dare. You can't give up on your kid - can't face her one day and admit you didn't fight for her in every possible way. So find ways to give back to yourself so that you can keep on going, keep on fighting. I got massages, took a lot of hot showers, ate out at relaxing places, read books, listened to a lot of music while doing relaxation breathing. Find a way to not give up out of sheer and utter exhaustion.
12. Pack a get away bag with clothes, money, legal papers, all your documentation and court records, etc. just in case. I know - sounds paranoid, huh? Doesn't sound paranoid to those who've had it come in handy.
13. And do a ton of praying. Get every person you know who believes in the power of prayer to start praying and to keep praying.
14. And keep telling your daughter she is precious to you. Keep telling her she is the most important person to you on the planet, but remind her that God loves her more than even Mommy does.
And lastly, in the words of Winston Churchill, standing in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds..."Never, never, never give up."
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