Reconnecting...

A week ago, I found myself in a rare situation. I was actually alone! And driving for the better part of 24 hours across the plains of Kansas. It took me about 5 hours of this to let the aloneness sink in, and another couple hours to let the mother/boss/daughter/friend lines blur into oblivion until I was left with just me and myself.  It has been so long since I was alone with just myself - it was like a long overdue homecoming with a best friend. Such a breath of fresh air to find myself right there next to me, still strong and thriving, still having my head on straight, still who I know myself to be. I've had times in my life where I looked back to see if I was still there and found myself missing, lost somewhere in someone else's life. But not this time. And not ever again.

I did a lot of singing on that drive, something I haven't had the heart to do in longer than I can remember. But my dad made me a bunch of surprise mix CDs, and I sang my heart out for hours and hours. Broke down dams inside me that I hadn't the courage to let fall before now. When you have to fight for your life and sanity for so long, there are parts of yourself that just go by the wayside until you have the emotional energy to bring them back from cryo-freeze again. Well, I'm happy to say some of those parts are thawing out, and I've got to say I'm loving having my inner soul sister coming back to life again. Missed her.

And now, a week later, sitting on the floor in  my living room with my Zana curled up next to me after a long walk in the starry Texas night; Dad on the couch with little Rocky watching American Music Awards with me; my little Squish snug as a bug in a rug in her bed in the next room; my daughter Erin safe back in Wisconsin after being here for a week...I am beyond content with myself and my shadow, knowing they are right in sync and growing more so by the day.

As I wind down and head to my dreamscapes, I'll leave you with a prayer that you can reconnect with yourself and the amazing person God made just you, in and of yourself - soon.  And I'll also leave you with my absolute favorite lullabye...

"Buenos noches, from Nacogdoches,
From me and from every star God lit
In the heart of the heavens that hang over Texas.
May your dreams find you in a tangle of fine Spanish angels
Whose halos are bright yellow roses.
Buenos noches." - Rich Mullins

Goodnight, my friends.

Smiles

I'm a planner by nature. Like to think through things so I'm prepared when they happen - presentations, new jobs, courageous conversations, road trips, having a baby, etc. That's not to say things will always go the way I've planned, but it helps me not be thrown when that happens - because I've thought through possible outcomes already.  I know. Weird.

But it helps me survive and thrive in life.

So...in that planning part of my brain, I started thinking a long time ago what I would say to my daughter when she asks me where babies come from, why boys have that thing that girls don't, why the sky is blue sometimes and black others, what all the spots all over her momma are called and where they came from, why she doesn't have a daddy like other girls do...

All these things go through my head, and I ponder what I might to say to her when she asks me these deep questions, how will I answer in a way that is truthful but that protects her little heart as well?

In the past couple months, I've started experiencing that phenomena of wanting to protect your child yet knowing they need to experience life in order to grow.  My little 8-month old seems to believe it is her job to brighten up every single person's world by smiling at them with her million-watt grin. It's just incredible to watch and very hard not to smile right back, no matter who you are.  Yet there have been some people who are completely immune to that beauty, that gift she's giving them. They look at her as if she doesn't exist and just keep walking. I've watched that little precious face scrunch all up in confusion as she watches them walk away. I've seen her crestfallen when multiple people in a row ignore her, and it just hurts me to my very core.  I have no idea what she's thinking, but I bet you anything that one day she's going to ask me why some people don't smile at her.  And what do I say to her?

I've thought through many different responses and what I've come up with so far is the firm conviction that I will make absolutely sure she knows their reactions are not about her. In any way. Ever.

I so want to protect the wonder I see in her. She absolutely loves cars - loves the sound, the lights, the sizes - thinks they are the coolest thing. She is discovering birds, frogs, trains, crickets. I want to always take time to let her experience those things, even if I'm late for work as a result or don't get to do what I had planned for the day.

I know that the more she discovers, the more questions she will have. And you know what? I'm really looking forward to those questions. They will probably be the toughest I'll ever have to answer in some aspects, and yet in others, they will be the most amazing opportunities to help her little heart grow bigger, deeper and wider.

So, to all those people who don't smile back at my little Squish - I'm so sorry for the priceless gift you passed right by today.

The Maker of Noses...

One of my favorite music artists, Rich Mullins, wrote a song a couple decades ago called "The Maker of Noses." That song has always been very special to me, not because of the gist of the song, but because of the infinite truth and love that one phrase gives a glimpse of...God takes such personal care in creating every single one of us that He even takes the time to make our noses just so, to count every hair on our heads, to put very particular parts of His character in us, and then He writes our names on His hands so we are never forgotten, never away from Him, always before Him.

The Maker of Noses knows me inside and out, and I am never ready for the surprises He brings my way - things only He could know I desire or need.

One of those things happened at 9:06 last night. But before I go there, I must give a little background.

In 2003, I had to put my little Maltese, Puff, to sleep as she was very old and sick and needed to go on home to dog heaven. Broke my heart. I had a lot of love to give a dog, and I started looking around for one to adopt. I don't even remember how I got connected with this lady, but somehow I ended up being introduced to an exceptional dog named Zana. Part bulldog and part mastiff, she was a tank. She and I were inseparable, two peas in a pod, for over three years. Then on April 1, 2006, I had to give her up. Again, somehow I was connected to a man back in the city I had raised her in, and he gladly took her and cared for her like his own. What's even weirder is that he even boarded her at the place she was born and raised and where I boarded her when I lived there. So parts of her life stayed exactly the same in the transition between me and her new home.

I don't talk about it much, but since giving her up, I've had deep regrets and have missed her more than probably a human should miss a canine, but hey, they are a woman's best friend too. She howled for over three hours in the car as her new owner drove away with her.  Knowing that hasn't helped my regret.  I've had chances to see her over the years but chose not to so I wouldn't confuse her.

Then last night at 9:06, I couldn't sleep so I checked my Facebook and found a message waiting for me there. It was from her owner. I thought at first he was writing to tell me she had died, but as I read the message I had to pinch myself to make sure I was actually still awake. He was writing to tell me he can't keep her any longer due to his significant other not wanting to live with a dog, and he was asking me if I wanted her back. My big ol' girl is over 9 years old now but is still doing well, and in two weeks I'm meeting him half way between Texas and Wisconsin to get her back. 

Only the Maker of my nose and the Counter of my freckles would know I have longed for and thought about the possibility of getting her back after all this time. Only He would have known I almost called in July to ask if I could have her back.

I know it may seem like just a stupid, small thing, but it's not to me. It let's me know, again, as He has over and over and over again through my life, that I am seen, that I am known, that what's important to me is important to Him, and that I am loved beyond anything I could dream up or imagine.

I'm coming, Zanabug!

Baby Steps

Today, my little Squish learned to crawl!! Oh wow, is it cool to see her try and figure out how to move all four appendages at once. She's getting the hang of it pretty fast. And then later in the day, she was doing the two-fisted toy thing and accidentally banged them together. You should have seen the intense "hmmm, what was that?" look on her face. So she did it again - banged 'em together again and looked up to find me with a triumphant "I figured it out, Mom!" look on her face. Then that smart little booger picked up a different toy and banged that one with the first toy - to see her joy of learning and exploring literally brought me to tears.

This kid loves to examine the tiny workings of things, the little details of how things work. She started with her own hands a few months ago - she'd twist them and wiggle them in all kinds of directions. Next she added toys to that mix, flinging them and throwing them all over the place as she figured out how her wrists functioned. For the last week or so, she's been carefully examining every inch of the living room rug, picking up the tiniest dust bunny or pull in the fabric...she doesn't eat them, just closely studies the thing and then puts it back where it was.

I remember when I was pregnant, someone told me how concerned they were that I was going to try and make Poppy Anne a copy of myself, that I was going to objectify her and make her my life, live vicariously through her, draw all my love from her. I thought at the time how crazy that sounded, and now that I have this amazing little person in my life, that person's sentiment is downright bizarre in my opinion. Why in the world would I try to change anything about this perfect little gift of God? Why in the world would I try to do anything other than help her become all she is capable of, all that is in her heart to be and do? Why would I want to copy screwed up and damaged ol' me when she's got such a beautiful canvas of her own started?

Watching her become more and more of herself is just the coolest thing ever. No words quite describe it adequately. A friend recently posted a Facebook note where he asked his daugther if she liked hot chocolate. She responded, "No, I like warm chocolate." I am still laughing over that one...because each little person is just that - their own person, and what a gift to be given the responsibility of helping them grow up. Scares the crap out of me some days, to be honest. But we take it one day at a time - thank goodness!

When I look at my  little extrovert, the quote, "You are so much sunshine to the square inch" comes to mind - man is she ever. Everywhere we go she just draws people to her with that amazing grin.  I even have people at Walmart who know us now and always make a point to stop and say hi to Poppy so they can get a smile. The number of comments about how that little smile has helped get people through their day...wow...total strangers, numerous lives touched by my little 8-month old's happy spirit and love of people. Doesn't matter what age, gender, color - she loves everybody. If she inherited anything from my grandpa Poppy, that would be what I would have hoped she'd get from him...the ability to just love on and enjoy people for who they are.

She teaches me every day...I try to be a good student.

Congruence

Definition: the quality or state of agreeing or corresponding

In the past 15 years or so of my life, I've learned a lot about this concept of congruence. Through my own experiences and through watching the journeys of those around me, I've been made very aware of the deep human need to live in congruence with oneself. To find and operate in that space where brain, talents, heart and soul align and every day you wake up feeling everything inside you rejoicing at being free to be what you were born to be.

We are such a performance-based culture that even the word "be" brings to mind the career or job we've chosen or fallen into, but I'm talking about simply the state of being what we were created to be and pursuing the best possible version of that.

I've watched myself and so many others try to force themselves to "be" things like outgoing, strategic, optimistic, grown up, corporate, etc. Why? I think there are many reasons out there, but one I've seen repeatedly is that we think we are "supposed" to be something someone else wants us or needs us to be. Some people spend their whole lives trying to live up to what other people think life should mean instead of figuring out who they themselves are and living up to that.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." Marianne Williamson

A dear friend framed this for me as a gift about three years ago, and it sits on my desk to remind me every day that the best thing I can do for God, for the world around me, for myself, for my daughters, is to continue discovering who God made me and then to do everything in my power to live in congruence with that. And by doing that, I give others permission to do the same.

This is the biggest reason I uprooted my life and took the risk of moving here. Not for a job, but for a purpose. My purpose. To make manifest the glory of God within me. To give Poppy Anne and Erin permission to shine their own light as brightly and purely as they possibly can - without shame or apology. To give my team the same permission and encouragement. And to keep having the courage every day to choose brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous, when it would be so much easier to just settle for safe mediocrity.

Here's to playing small no longer...

What we carry on

This weekend was the first year anniversary of my grandpa Poppy's death. I made sure my Nana was here to spend time with us during these rough days so that she wouldn't be at home without family. I thought it would do her good to be around little Poppy Anne, and boy has it. I cannot EVER remember Nana sitting on the floor for any reason whatsoever, but this last week I've repeatedly found her on the floor with Poppy Anne and all the toys, laughing and goofing off in the most beautiful way.  Nana was the first person Poppy Anne "talked" to...when she was four weeks old. Nana seemed to speak her language then, and it sure hasn't changed - little Squish lights all up when Nana is around.

I took Nana with me to pick Poppy up from daycare last week, and we made sure Nana was the first person she saw, not me. Boy that little toothless grin could have out-shone the sun. I just stayed at the door and enjoyed the moment. 

Something unexpected has happened during these last few days with Nana, and actually I think it started when I went up to see her in February.  I've always been closest to my grandpa Poppy and have been very conscious of what he imparted to me through is words, actions, kindness, love. But this year I've really started to see what Nana has imparted to me as well.  She is one of the most resilient women I've ever known. She faces life with a pragmatic realism that helps her keep her steady pace through the ups and downs. I've seen her cry plenty, but I've never seen her fall apart. She is wise, smart and one of the youngest grown-ups I have had the honor of loving.

I've asked her a lot about her life this trip, and it never ceases to amaze me how adventurous she was and still is.  She moved to Texas on a whim at 18. Moved to California on another whim at 20-ish. Met my grandpa Poppy on a blind date and married him 2 months later. July would have been their 63rd wedding anniversary. Wow.

I guess it's just been a time of wider reflection for me...looking at the legacy both of my grandparents have handed down to me. I see where my resilience comes from, my will to survive. I see where my faith in people comes from, even when they have given me reason after reason to stop hoping for the best.  I see where my faith in God comes from - "though He slay me, yet will I trust Him." I see the seeds of my work ethic, love of adventure and travel and so many other things planted over the past 38 years by these two wonderful, amazing people. I am so blessed. I pray I can pass all that and more onto my two beautiful kids as well.

I am reminded of a Rich Mullins song...
"I'll carry the songs I learned when we were kids. I'll carry the scars of generations gone by. I'll pray for you always, and I promise you this - I'll carry on, I'll carry on."

On Being Texan

Tomorrow is one month to the day since Poppy and I arrived in the great republic of Texas, and while I still wake up in the middle of the night wondering where the heck I am at times, there are more times when I just can't stop grinning at how wonderful it is to be a Texan again.

So, I thought I'd share some of those things I see in a day that bring my smile on:

• We are NOT the South - that's those other places like Mississippi, North Carolina, Louisiana - we are Texas - a very different thing and don't you forget it.
• Fresh-brewed sweet tea is an option at just about every restaurant - I haven't been in one yet that didn't serve it.
• Dr. Pepper is also an option in just about every restaurant.
• Can anyone say Blue Bell ice cream sandwiches! OMG!
• Billboards that proudly compare the size of the DFW airport to the entire island of Manhattan - you guess which is bigger.
• An NFL stadium like no other on the planet - we do everything bigger in Texas.
• The way we take our pick-up trucks so seriously.
• We say "yes, ma'am" and call complete strangers hon and darlin'.
• While we complain about the heat, we are proud of our ability to survive in it - kind of one of those "I can talk trash about my state but don't you be talkin' no trash about my state" things.
• Steak and Mexican food are absolutely amazing here - we love us some cow!
• "Just around the corner" can mean anything from 2 blocks to 50 miles - all depends on how you look at it.
• We can sing things like "I want to check you for ticks" and sound romantic doing it. Go figure.
• When I say, "I'm from Harlingen," people actually know where that is.
• Our state fair is the biggest in the country - love that.
• There's no state income tax - love that more.
• We don't do mullets in Texas - thank goodness.
• Everywhere you go, people are wearing or displaying somewhere on themselves or the vehicles our in-your-face slogan - "Don't Mess With Texas."
• It's the only state I've seen that has hundreds if not thousands of Texas-shaped swimming pools across the state.
• It's the only state I've seen potato chips made in the shape of.
• The Luby's cafeteria menu tastes the same as it has since I was three years old. And Poppy Anne is already falling in love with the same dishes I grew up loving.
• There's a lot more I'm sure, but these were top of mind for me this week because I realized these are all things that help define "home."  It's a great feeling, especially on the rough days.

Courage

This week has been a tough one. I have no idea if my thoughts will make any sense tonight - very emotional, draining week, but I'll do my best.

One of my top three values is courage, defined as "actively pursuing what is more important than my fear."  Living that value is what has gotten me to this place of freedom, abundance, peace, rest. I had to fight for my freedom and that of my baby girl with everything I have, day in and day out for 13 months, and many times I thought for sure we would not live through it, truly.  But we did, against huge odds.

Yesterday, I dropped her off at daycare for the first time here in our new life.  Seeing her precious little face smiling at me as I left just about broke my heart. Sounds weird, I know - she's smiling! Why would that break your heart? It just hit me like a ton of bricks that I'm all she has. That she trusts me without reservation. That there's no one else here for her but me. I am what keeps her smiling, content and at peace - knowing her momma will always come back for her,  knowing her momma loves her no matter what. But yesterday I suddenly felt so isolated and fragile in our new world here where we know so few people and aren't well connected yet. What if something happened to me and I couldn't come get her? Who would be there for her? The answer that came screaming back at me in my head was "no one." At least not immediately.

Now trust me, in my line of work I know better than to leave the most precious person to me on the planet unprotected, so I have all the necessary insurances, legal documents, etc. in place to provide for her long-term. But what broke my heart was the thought of her being without me in the short-term. Of her waiting for me to walk through that door and me not ever walking through it again.

I promised my little Poppy Anne before she was even born that I would fight for her, that I would be here for her and teach her how to be the best Poppy Anne she can be.  I am so committed to that, I can't even put it into words. I am as committed to her as her namesake, my grandpa Poppy, was to me. He made sure that even after I was given up for adoption as a newborn, that I was brought back into the family and raised as his granddaughter.  He made sure I knew who I was - I was his #1, and that was a non-negotiable fact I could take to the bank every single day of my life until he died last year. That is part of the immense legacy I have to give my daughter.

I know we'll make friends here and eventually neither of us will be alone, but I'm still doing everything I can to make sure I stay around for her for a really long time.  A friend of mine was recently away from her kids for about a week, and when she was reunited with them, she wrote me a note that read, "My heart has returned to me."

That's how I feel every time I see Poppy's little smile at the start or end of my day.  I know without any doubt that moving here and having to face loneliness, isolation, the forming of a whole new life and network was the absolute right thing to do for her and for me. I had to face down my fear and take some huge steps toward chasing our amazing future, and they are already so worth it. But every courageous step has a price as well as a reward. You have to be willing to pay one in order to earn the other.

One of my favorite quotes was said by a crazy Aussie who uprooted his family for a year and moved them to Green Bay, WI to follow the Packers for a season. When asked why he did such a thing, he replied, "There comes a point where you have to stop living the life you've fallen into and live the life you want." And sometimes it takes moving hell and high water to change the life you've fallen into before you can move into the life you want.  It is so worth it.

Today I don't feel very courageous or strong - feel mostly like a soggy, puffy rag doll to be honest. But I'm comforted by the thought that "courage does not always roar- sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.'"  As I fall asleep, that will be my mantra tonight..."I will try again tomorrow."

Sleep

This might sound like a somewhat strange concept, but have you ever felt you "earned your rest?"  That you brought all you have to give to the field, played your hardest, had positive impact on the lives around you...that you spent the day well, investing in what matters.  And as you hit the sack at the end of that long day, there's a deep sense of satisfaction in a job well done. You have mattered to the world today, no matter how big or small your corner of the world may be. You made a dent in it, and a good one at that.

I haven't felt that in quite awhile, and I have to say, now that I'm finally back to that place again, boy does it feel good.

Happy dreams!

Focus

A few months ago, I attended a development session around maximizing our own brain power. A PhD on brain development was the main speaker, and what she was sharing fascinated me. She shared new research findings that show our brains MUST have down time, interruption from the constant bombardment of input we experience in a day. She discussed a concept called the "Twitter Curve" - basically in the past 20 years or so, from the advent of pagers to cell phones to email to Facebook to LinkedIn to Twitter, we have arrived at a place where during waking ours we are literally bombarded with input with almost 0 seconds of brain rest in between. 

She then went on to describe what brain rest can look like - reading, creating artwork, gardening, exercise, meditation, listening to music, driving in the car in silence, etc.  These purposeful times of being completely present without having to make decisions or judgments about anything allow our brains to rest, and that rest allows our brains to form new patterns of thought, new behaviours, helps us learn new things and absorb/internalize information we've taken in recently.

The biggest thing I took away from this discussion? That I need to give myself permission more often to just be at rest in my own head, and that I need to create periods of brain rest for Poppy Anne as well, quiet time for her to focus.  She may focus on examining and chewing the tail of her Zizzer-zazzer-zuzz, or she may see how many toes she can get in her mouth at once, or maybe she just wants to watch the light from the mobile in the window dance on the wall.  But I am convinced that one of the best things I can do for her as her mom is teach her how to be quiet within herself, how to be okay with silence and the lack of distraction, how to let her brain naturally process all that she is absorbing during her day.

In applying that concept to my work, I've been thinking a lot about the phrase, "Keep the main thing the main thing."  We are constantly being bombarded with the latest and greatest new "have to" on so many levels, and many of those are attractive, new shiny objects that seem fun to chase.  But I'm really starting to focus hard on keeping the main things the main things - with my daughter, with myself, with my team at work.  And I have a feeling that when those priorities stay fairly straight, when we are focusing on the main things and not getting sidetracked by all the distractions coming at us, then the other things that feel like main things will most likely take care of themselves in time.  At least that is my current theory, and if it plays out, then in 12 months I should look like a size 2 super model, our office will be perfect, and my baby girl will be learning 3rd grade material at 18 months. Ah...I forgot that key ingredient called patience.  Well, I need to hurry up and get some, eh?

Signing off now - an absolutely fantastic first day at work. I love what I do!!

The beginning of a new book...

I am sitting here on the eve before the first day of my new job, still pretty numb. To be here, in this place, at this particular time, in this situation is the culmination of a very long and painful journey, but it's also the first step into an amazing new story for not just me, but also for my little girl.

Still hasn't hit me yet that this is truly my life, that I have the privilege and honor of being this baby girl's momma, that I have the privilege of being a Chief Development Officer in one of the most admired companies in the world, that I have the amazing opportunity to be doing all that back home in Texas.
Wow. Very surreal. I still break out in a grin at all the things I'm seeing, finding, living every day that I never thought I'd get the chance to live with again.  Man I love this state!

Today I was wandering in a little local store and saw an iteration on one of my favorite quotes:
"Life is not about getting out of the storms. It's about learning to dance in the rain." (Vivian Greene)

Thus the moniker "Rain Girl" for my blog. It's been a wonderful journey, learning to dance in the rain of the past.  And as I examine those storms and see what growth, strength, wisdom and grace they've brought me, I look into the face of the future and gratefully, joyfully anticipate more rain (and sunshine) in which to dance, in which to celebrate who I am and who I am becoming.

"I'm thirsty anyway, so bring on the rain!"